Afraid
by Nan
Summary: A few random missing scenes from season 9 concentrating on Mac and AJ's POV
1. Default Chapter

Title: Afraid  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, Harm/Mac  
  
Spoilers: A Tangled Web II  
  
Summary: In the taxi cab to the airport, what is Mac thinking? For a companion piece, see Aerogirl's "Simple."  
  
Shit, shit, shit, I did it again. For what seems like the millionth time in the last couple of days, somehow, I said the wrong thing. To Harm. Mr. 'Nothing Fazes Me'.   
  
Not anymore. There was a time when I could say anything to him. Nothing threw him from that cool, collected, Rabb style. He always knew how to take it. How to respond. What comment was meant to stop and take seriously. And what was just a joke. His antennae was perfect, fined tuned to the least little disturbance. He always knew the right thing to say.   
  
All I was trying to do was to pause for a moment. After saying goodbye to Gunny and Webb and before stepping into this damn taxi and rushing back to DC. To talk with Harm, my best friend, about this intense experience. He is the one guy I figure who might understand. It was kinda like Afghanistan last year. The whole Butch and Sundance thing. He saw it then. Why not now? Driving in the jeep, worrying about minefields and snipers. We were together. It was so real.  
  
In that damn jeep we talked. We teased each other. Harm was great. He laughed and we shot barbs back in forth. It didn't matter what I said, he matched both the intention and spirit perfectly of whatever outrageous thing came out of my mouth. It was like we were in sync. I could say just about anything.  
  
Just once in the desert did I go a little too far. I could tell. He didn't like talking about death. Our deaths. I dropped the topic quickly when he started on about the stages of cremation. Yuck.  
  
I guess I should have realized that Harm wasn't in the right mood this time. But I just wanted to tell him how I felt about Paraguay. How the whole experience felt. Looking back, I guess the wording was a little funny. But the Scarlet O'Hara crack was unwarranted. And then there was one more criticism of Webb and this mission.   
  
Okay, okay. I heard you, Harm. We screwed up. Clay and I blew it. How many times do I have to hear it? Yeah, yeah, Harm came and rescued us. I'd like to thank him for that, one of these days. But he keep thrusting down my throat what a fuck-up I am, now I feel like punching him instead.  
  
Actually, Harm, there's more to this than you know. It wasn't just Clay who screwed up. I'm a screw-up too. If it weren't for me, Clay would never have been captured by Sadik. Never tortured. I was the one who insisted on going back for Gunny. Did I have a plan? No, I was thinking with emotion. Like you do sometimes. If we had gone from Clay's playbook, Gunny would be dead. And Clay would be fine. Which is why I did it. I'm not perfect, you know.  
  
So sue me if I feel like I owe him something.  
  
So I guess that's the reason why I lost it. Harm, I had to get you back. That's where the "both of us on top" speech came from. I think, anyway. That's the second time this trip I've said something out loud that I'd only thought before. Maybe I do need therapy.  
  
That was so wrong. The minute the words came out of my mouth. There was something about that look on his face. I have never seen that look before. And over our eight-year history, I've seen a lot of Harm's looks.   
  
What is wrong with the guy? Harm is the guy with the thickest skin on the face of this world. The guy who flies fighters off of pitching decks in the middle of the night, cruise missiles chasing his six, fights terrorists without a thought. Manages to solve our Paraguayan quagmire in less than half a day. So after having done all that, he is now Mr. Sensitive? Why all of a sudden?   
  
What's with that attitude towards Clay? Harm and Clay have always been friends. Best friends. But now Harm is treating him like public enemy number 1. And after all Clay has done for me.   
  
When I saw Clay's hands shaking this morning, I could only think of one thing. That could be me. I could have gone through that. But Clay wouldn't let them. He stopped them.  
  
And for that, he gets Harm's contempt? What's that all about?  
  
It's almost like he thinks I'm interested in Clay. Harm knows better than that. Clay is a good friend to me. That's all. Always has been, always will. A very good friend. And I owe him a lot.   
  
There is one more thing. Harm resigned his commission to find us. Why don't I want to think about this? Like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. If I get to close, maybe I will fall. Thinking about that is scary. Very scary. And I know what fear is all about. I mean, I was tied to that table at Sadik's compound. I saw the missionaries shot before my eyes. But Harm without the Navy? It would mean...  
  
I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. Resigning his commission. We all know he can just walk right back into the admiral's office on Monday and get his job back, right? He walks on water at JAG. He is the admiral's favorite. Golden boy. Right? He will never let him go. This was just a legal technicality to make sure the Navy wasn't implicated in any fallout. This means nothing.  
  
So what is wrong?   
  
Harm, I see you sitting in that seat behind me. Looking out the window of the taxicab. Quit looking like that. I want the old Harm back. The one who always knew the right thing to say? Where is that guy? I want him back. I need him back.  
  
Please? 


	2. Afraid II

(Ed Note - Summary: This a conversation between the two people most responsible for Harm's departure from JAG. It's my latest attempt to capture Mac's feelings. Harm? Well, his feelings are pretty obvious. He's just pissed. Duuhhh.)   
  
'Benzinger's on a Monday night at 9 pm was not a busy place. Guess the office crowd goes home early,' thought AJ Chegwidden.   
  
He pushed the ornate, glass door inward and walked through. He scanned the tables and saw her sitting at a booth in the corner, staring out the window at the empty street. The summer's night was just starting to creep inward from the open windows.  
  
He walked over and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him with brown eyes and a resigned expression. She sighed. One eyebrow went up and half a smile appeared on her face.   
  
"Admiral," Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie acknowledged.  
  
"Colonel," he said and winced internally. How formal. In situations like this he usually tried to address his staff by their first name. But unfortunately lately, he found that simple bit of intimacy harder and harder to do. It was just another additional example of his growing isolation at work.  
  
He noticed that her forearms were propped on the table in front of her and she was slowly twirling a plastic drink menu around in her hands. She had been here for a while. But there was no usual glass of soda and lime in front of her.   
  
"Everything okay?" he started. He watched the bartender weaved through the tables in the empty bar towards them.  
  
She focused on the menu in her outstretched arms. "Of course. What possibly could be wrong?"  
  
"Two Perrier's with lime," he told the waiter. To her he said, "Not even the fact that Rabb quit JAG and the Navy?"  
  
He watched she flared. "Quit, yeah. Feels like he was forced out!" She said heatedly. She raised her eyes to him and for a brief instance he saw something he had never seen before. Betrayal.  
  
Then suddenly, like the air going out of a balloon, her dark eyes went dull. Defeated. "I'm sorry Admiral. I was just lecturing myself on responsibility. Quit blaming this on someone else. So I guess that includes you." She went back to twirling the multi-colored menu. AJ could see pictures of Margarita's and highballs decorating the cover.  
  
"Mac," said the Admiral. "You've shouldered your share of responsibility. I'm not questioning it."  
  
This new smile had a miniscule amount of warmth in it.   
  
"Thanks," she said. "I appreciate you saying that. But upon introspection, I've discovered that there is one area of my life that is not true."  
  
"Rabb?" he asked quietly.  
  
She huffed out a breath of air. "Who else?"  
  
AJ said, "He's had a big influence on JAG over the years. So I guess it's natural we will feel a little unsettled."  
  
"Yeah, unsettled," said Mac.  
  
They were both silent for a minute. Then AJ spoke. "For what it's worth Mac, I've always thought the man was an idiot when it came to you."  
  
She cocked her head and looked directly at him. "You know admiral, for the last six or so years I was certain he was the idiot and I knew exactly what was going on. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe it turns out he was the right one after all."  
  
"And what exactly was he right with?" said AJ.  
  
She ignored him. "He told me once that he never wanted to lose me as a friend. At the time, I thought he just didn't want to make a commitment. But now I wonder if he understood me better than I thought."  
  
"What did he understand?"  
  
"That crossing the metaphoric line meant this."  
  
"Meant what?"  
  
She closed her eyes. "He hates me," she said.  
  
'Whoof,' he thought. 'That is a loaded statement. But was it wrong?' Chegwidden had seen evidence of that himself. Did Rabb hate her? Something in Paraguay had certainly caused a lot of bitterness. He shook his head. With everything that these two had been through over the last eight years, he thought there was nothing that could shake the foundation of their friendship. But something had.  
  
"Someday you will have to tell me what happened in Paraguay," he said.   
  
"Once I have it figured out, you'll be the first to know." Mac just sat there, with her eyes closed, head leaning against the leather back of the booth.  
  
Chegwidden stopped and looked at her, wondering if he should continue. He decided to go on. "I wish I had the same leeway there was when you quit, Mac. But Lindsey's report put an end to that. Maybe he got the last laugh from Leavenworth after all. The suspicions raised by that damn document lingered."  
  
He sighed. "I thought Paraguay would finally bring you two together. Somehow, it seemed like processing Harm's resignation might be a sort of beginning."  
  
"Well, you were wrong. It's just made everything that much worse." With her head still against the leatherback, she looked at him.   
  
Chegwidden sighed. "He caught me by surprised by his resignation. I can usually read that man like a book, but he blindsided me this time. I didn't expect that. I didn't know that he had spent the better part of the previous week, wheedling information about the op from anyone and everyone remotely connected."  
  
Mac closed her eyes again and said flatly, "And that included Catherine Gale."  
  
The admiral tightened his eyes as he studied her. "Mac... If this is about Catherine Gale, you've made a big mistake. I don't buy the fact that he now feels something for her."  
  
"How can you say that? Blonde bimbos are his thing. This is just one more," she said, her voice heating up again. "He flaunted it in my face."  
  
"It seems to me that you have flaunted a few in your time. For example, what is going on between you and Webb? Do you have feelings for him?"  
  
"No!" she said vehemently. "Why does everyone assume that I do?"  
  
"Calm down. Mac, I know what it's like to go through an experience like that. You grow close to people in ways you never thought possible. Vietnam was thirty years ago and I still feel closer to the men than even Meredith."  
  
She was stock still, looking at him. "Maybe that's it," she whispered.  
  
"What's it?" he said.  
  
"Why I feel so confused about my feelings for Clay. I mean, I always liked the guy but never in that way. In a funny way, I thought I was better than him. His work was kind of sleazy. Now? I saw what he was made of. What he would go through for people in his unit. Bizarre as it may seem, he would have made a good marine." She looked stricken at the thought.  
  
'God,' he thought to himself. 'This is more screwed up than I thought.'  
  
"Can I ask you a question, admiral?" she said.  
  
He sighed. "I guess it's too late for me to say I don't interfere in the private lives of my staff. Fire away."  
  
"You told me that Harm's resignation came as a big surprise to you. Why?" she asked.  
  
'Why indeed,' he thought. Out loud he said to her. "In the past, I was always pretty sure that you had feels for the commander. I saw your face when he dumped that F-14 into the Atlantic two years ago. Brumby knew it as well.  
  
Harm was a different story. If he had any feelings for you, he hid them well. I mean, he was so placid over your decision to marry Brumby. So when you went missing in Paraguay, I knew I would have a fight with Harm but I never suspected he would quit over it. In retrospect, it was stupid of me."  
  
"I guess you could say that you were surprised to learn he might have feelings for me, right?" she said.  
  
"Yeah, actually. In some ways, it was a positive thing. In some sort of twisted, alternate universe kind of way, you two are suited for each other."  
  
"He took me by surprise too. I just saw it as some jealous fit over Webb. Like he used to do to Brumby. He didn't want me but no one else could have me either."  
  
"You're making him sound pretty childish, Mac. That isn't really worthy of you."  
  
"With all due respect, sir, you've thought worse of Harm."  
  
AJ snorted and shook his head. But he answered truthfully. "Yes, I have. And I was wrong every time."  
  
They just sat in silence for a while. Finally, Mac spoke. "What now, sir?"  
  
He looked ruefully at her. "I don't know, Colonel. Some of that you will have to answer yourself. You need to put this behind you. Sift through your feelings. But make no mistake. Harm is gone."  
  
"This is worse than the last time he left. Then, he was still my friend. Not now. Maybe never again."  
  
"Never is a long time," said the admiral.  
  
"I guess," she said. "JAG will miss him."  
  
He looked at her as he stood up to leave. "I suspect that there will be more than just JAG who will miss him." He looked at her pale face and the dark circles underneath her eyes.   
  
Standing as well, she squared her shoulders. "You would probably be correct in that assessment, Admiral." 


	3. Afraid III

Title: Afraid III  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, AJ/Meredith  
  
Spoilers: A Tangled Web II (before shifting sands)  
  
Summary: I understand why Mac might at least a few issues that lead to misunderstanding with Harm, but what's with the admiral. Since when did he become so cold-hearted? There's more to this than meets the eye...  
  
Meredith sighed as she climbed gracefully out from behind the wheel of the little sports car. 'This is just getting too easy to predict,' she thought. 'What's up now?' She could hear the katydids and spring peepers and the sound of cars whizzing down the highway. It was early evening.  
  
She had thought that when Commander Rabb found Colonel Mackenzie safe in Paraguay the nighttime visits to the batting cage would end. But apparently not.   
  
She trudged along the dusty parking lot past the neon sign that said 'Potomac River Mini Golf and Driving Range.' Past the whirling windmills on the synthetic greens of the Lilliputian-style golf course were the big mesh cylinders that marked the three batting cages. There was a familiar figure dressed in a gray T-shirt standing, anticipating the next ball.  
  
'Whack!' The bat cracked as it met the ball. Meredith could here the grinding wheels of the batting machine. 'Whack!' Another ball smashed.  
  
"Honey?" Meredith called as she reached the cage. "Haven't you been at this long enough?"  
  
AJ Chegwidden started at her voice and turned around. A ball flew harmlessly past his waist. "Meredith," he panted. "You startled me. What're you doing here?"  
  
Meredith stood, arms akimbo, hands on hips and said, "I figured if I take up batting practice, I'll get a chance to see you once in a while." She studied him. The close fitting T-shirt was drenched with sweat and the top of his baldhead was shining. The bat hung loosely from the grip of his hand swinging slightly. He turned back to face the machine, holding the bat up in stance, waiting for the next ball.  
  
"I just have a couple more balls," he said. 'Whack!' He swung vehemently at the ball, muscles rippling as he made contact. 'Whack!' then 'Whack!'  
  
He bent over and picked up a small white towel and a hooded sweatshirt. He stepped out side the cage and crossed the few steps to where she was standing.   
  
"Hi," he said and leaned in to get a sweet kiss.   
  
"Hi yourself," she said tasting the sweaty salt on his lips. "Did you get anywhere?"  
  
"Huh?" he looked at her.  
  
"Whatever it is that you're trying to work out."  
  
"What makes you think I'm trying to work out something?" he said. "You want to grab a quick drink in the snack bar? I could use one." He motioned to a couple of flood-lit picnic tables by a small shack.  
  
"Sure," she said. "Last week I knew exactly why you were whacking medium sized balls into oblivion. But this week, I'm not so sure. Harm and Mac are back in Washington?"  
  
"Yes," he said.  
  
"That means everything is copasetic, no?" she said. "As right as they ever are when it comes to those two."  
  
AJ was silent as he pried his wallet from his jeans.   
  
She looked at him and cocked her head. "AJ? Isn't everything okay now?"  
  
He looked at her and said quietly, "I had to process Harm's resignation."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Process his resignation. Fire him," AJ said.  
  
"You fired Harm? I find that hard to believe," she said.  
  
"Well don't. It's done."  
  
"AJ, you couldn't have! Look at what he's done! He saved Mac's life and the life of that agent guy, Webb. He destroyed a semi full of stinger missiles. And you fired him? Are you crazy?"  
  
He paled at bit but his voice was steady. "Thanks for so articulately stating why I should be classified as a first class ass, Meredith."  
  
"I'm sorry, dear," she said. His mouth was set in a grim line and a hollow look to his eyes. This was no joke. "Why?" she asked quietly trying to keep the incredulity out of her voice.  
  
"I had to. He disobeyed a direct order."  
  
"No he didn't. He quit the Navy. Orders didn't apply."  
  
"You can't just quit when you don't want to follow orders and then come back when you do. Harm knows all this. I was told not to interfere. So was he. He chose not to listen."  
  
"He saved lives and destroyed a threat. Mac is alive! Are you people all crazy?" she said once again incredulous at the logic.  
  
"Maybe. But chain of command is the most basic principle of the armed forces. If it breaks down, we have nothing. And that principle is most tested when the order seems unfair or illogical. It wouldn't be the first time that a few have died, so that the principle of good order and discipline survives."  
  
Meredith stood abruptly up from the wooden bench. "I can't believe you are saying this. This is Mac and Harm we are talking about! Officers that you trust and like above all others. Isn't there someone you can file a complaint to?"  
  
AJ looked at her peeved. "I am the Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy. This means I am the rules. For the right or for the wrong. There is no one else. If I don't support them, who will? I am not so much as a man but a position. Do you think this is the first bad order in the US Navy? No and it won't be the last."  
  
"What about an unlawful order?"  
  
"There is a strict definition for that. This is a gray area that crosses borders between our military, politics and our covert operations. There were many in the Pentagon that felt going into Iraq was a foolish venture. But they still obeyed orders. If the government doesn't control the military, who does?"  
  
Meredith stared at him. He wasn't kidding. Shaking her head, she looked at him, "*Have we eaten on the insane root. That takes the reason prisoner?*"  
  
He snorted. "Macbeth."  
  
"How is Harm taking the news?" she said after awhile.  
  
"He is taking everything a little personally right now," said AJ ruefully. "The timing of this whole fiasco sucks. On top of the murder trial, now this. The man has the right to be a little resentful."  
  
"Didn't he bend a few rules when you were lost in George Washington National Forest a couple of months ago?" she reminded him.  
  
"Et tu, Brute? My personal debt to Harm still doesn't transcend the Navy rules. And more than anything, it proves the point that a commanding officer and a subordinate cannot hold such debts." AJ was grim.  
  
"Will he ever forgive you?" she asked quietly.  
  
"If I were him, I wouldn't. Why should he?" 


	4. Afraid IV

Title: Afraid IV  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, Harm/Mac  
  
Spoilers: Secret Agent Man  
  
Summary: The enigmatic relationship between Harm and Mac continues. What was Mac thinking when Bud was talking about Harm in that scene in Secret Agent Man?  
  
Shut up, Bud. Can't you see I don't want to talk about this? Harm, Harm, Harm. It seems like everyone in the office just wants to talk about Harm. What is he doing? Why haven't we heard from him? Enough, people. I don't know. I haven't heard from him either. Quit asking me.  
  
It's bad enough I have to filter through these old case files of his. Everywhere I look, every sentence I read brings back memories of Harm. Harm, Harm, Harm. Why did I mention that ancient gun incident and the bullet in the courtroom roof to Bud? What does that have to do with anything?  
  
Maybe it was because I was just thinking about that case. Reviews will do that to you. In hindsight, you get a fresh perspective. Soak a bit about how we all reacted.   
  
That particular case was the first time that Harm and I really went at it. It was a set-to. Harm is target fixed at times. I remember the admiral saying that. And firing off that weapon in the courtroom was the first demonstration of how far he would go. I can still remember the look on the judge's face. And the admiral, he was livid. I'm surprised Harm managed to survive that. Most lawyers wouldn't.   
  
Looking back now, I realize how successful I have been at getting under Harm's skin. It really has been easy for me. He has got such a hero complex. And he has this idealized view of the world. What is right and wrong. How old fashioned. And I always knew how to get him.  
  
Bud, listen to me. Don't be like Harm. It gets you nowhere. The Navy doesn't want people like Harm. They want people like me. People who obey orders, right or wrong.   
  
Bud, I wish I could tell you this. But it is classified. Down in Paraguay I didn't follow orders. I decided to go back for Gunny. Marine code thing. Big mistake. I was told not to. Webb knew it was wrong but because of me, he made a foolish gesture too. Look where that got Webb. He was viciously tortured. He can't even pick up a pen to write his name, now. And then I was almost tortured. And Harm quit the best job he will ever have just to rectify that mistake. Lots of people were killed. Just cause I didn't follow orders.   
  
Hear me, Bud? Don't follow things like the marine code and friendship. Don't be like Harm.   
  
It's funny that I have switched on how I look at Harm. At one time, I thought that Harm was guarded about his emotions. Never letting down his wall of perceived calm. I even told him that. It was on the Admiral's porch at my engagement party. His famous self control, never letting down his guard. Yada, yada, yada. Boy was I wrong. How could I ever have thought that Harm was not emotional? He is all emotion.  
  
Take my wedding for example. Next thing I know, he was flying back through the thunderstorm of the century to get to Mic and my wedding. How stupid of him. Just because of a stupid promise. That wasn't self-control that was out-of-control. Why? Because I made a passing jibe in the elevator. I was a little nervous about the wedding and predictably I aimed it at Harm. We trade snarky remarks all of the time. Nothing is meant by it. If he didn't realize then, he was just being stupid.  
  
I mean, I didn't even ask him to sit at the head table at the reception. 'Not enough room,' I think was the excuse I made. What kind of best friend is that? Tell me why anyone would fly through a storm and spend three hours in frigid water for a friend like that? I wouldn't. He should have known then. This friendship isn't worth it.  
  
Look at the Friendly Fire case. I tried my best to get that 'decorated war hero' discredited. I had to. Harm was just so biased towards the pilot. My case depended on it. Then he gives me that file. The one with surveillance data that revealed the truth? Me, the dupe, loses the case because it's 'the right thing to do.' That was so stupid. I will never do that again. I'm never getting sucked into 'the right thing' again. The right thing is to look after me, Sarah Mackenzie.  
  
Harm has always tried to do the right thing. Look where it got him, Bud. Taxi driver for the spooks. I win. He loses. Big time.  
  
In Paraguay, I was right when I told Hamr that we both want to be on top. I mean, I really do want to be on top. And so does he. And now Harm is out of the way. Right? This is what I want. So it's time to be satisfied with a job well done. Harm is out of the way. I'm the most senior staff here. Sturgis is a lightweight. No one is standing between me and what I want.   
  
Even the admiral sees it that way. I mean, he is just following orders too. Enough of this hero thing. We would be all stupid to sacrifice our careers and all that we have worked for just for a passing emotion like code and honor. The admiral and I are on the same wavelength. Go wrestle alligators, Harm, if you feel that way.   
  
Is there anyway to shut Bud up? He is still talking about missing Harm. Be quiet. Get the hint, Bud. I really don't want to talk about this.   
  
Bud, you talk like I'm his friend or something. Think about it. Would a supposed friend just go quietly back to work after the friend saved her life and sacrificed his career? No. A real friend would go to bat for him.  
  
Would a friend leave a friend limply unconscious in a wrecked airplane to find a truck? Maybe if she was hysterical enough. But I'm a marine. I don't think hysterically. Right?  
  
What kind of friend would criticize the manner in which he saved her life, as if it wasn't done exactly right, it wasn't worth doing at all. Jeez. How many times does this guy need to be walked on before he gets it? It isn't worth it, Harm. I'm no friend.  
  
And what kind of friend is it that can't even thank the other? Bud, you have to understand this. I couldn't even bring myself to say two simple words to him. Thank you. 'Cause if I did show true gratitude, maybe then I would have to acknowledge that something special was done. And I can't go there right now. Someday maybe. In an alternate universe.  
  
Bud, get it through your thick head. I am no friend of Harm's. Friendship was just this old-fashioned notion that we once had. A passing thing. I killed it. I put a bullet in it. Bud, please respect the dead.  
  
Okay, maybe if I suggest Bud leave early. Will that work? There is the christening right? Then I can go through Harm's files myself. That will be hard enough. Hopefully, he doesn't decide to stay. That will drive me crazy. I can't handle that. The christening will be hard enough.   
  
Go home, Bud. I can't talk about Harm. Maybe someday, fifty years from now, I can reminisce like you. Not now. Not for a long time. 


	5. Afraid V

Title: Afraid V  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, Mac/Sturgis  
  
Spoilers: The One that Got Away  
  
Summary: After the last episode, we got no further on the mystery of what Mac is thinking. Harm is still clear. He is putting JAG behind him and moving on. And enjoying it too. The CIA so far has been a fun place to work. But Mac? No joy there. The episode didn't explore her relationship with either Webb or Harm. But did TPTB throw us a few hints through the subtle vehicle of Sturgis/Mac's Article 32 hearing and Sergeant Ambrose?  
  
Sturgis was waiting for her beside the candy red vehicle. She sighed to herself, keys in hand as she walked steadily toward her car. The Ambrose Article 32 hearing was not over just yet, judging by the Commander's demeanor. She should have known that he couldn't let her last remark in the courtroom die without comment.  
  
"Commander," she stated as she reached for the key slot. "Can I help you?"  
  
Ignoring the question, Sturgis gestured toward her car. "Vette is a sporty car, Mac. Though you don't see many marines driving one. Or women, for that matter. Been meaning to ask you how you ended up with one. Funny, don't you think, since Harm owns one too?"  
  
She looked at him puzzled, wondering at the abrupt tangent of the conversation. She searched for answer.  
  
But before she could start, he spoke again. "I thought about your last statement there, in the courtroom. About me being above it all. And cowardly."  
  
Mac was already regretting her hurtful words. "Look, Sturgis, I'm sorry. I realize that you were just doing your job in there. Maybe I got a bit carried away."  
  
He shook his head. "No, no, you had something to say. You obviously felt that the actions of Sergeant Ambrose and his comrades needed to be protected from the strict interpretation of the law. An unspoken truth that I should have adhered to."  
  
Mac looked at him. If he wanted to get into this, then, "Yeah, I guess I did. In the middle of a tense situation, when your life is on the line, things are not that clear like ROE's. I think everyone should have cut the guy a break. There are very few marines, special ops or not, who could have been so cold hearted as to shoot a young kid in cold blood."  
  
"True. But even so, was it the right thing to do? Considering that that same kid ran to tell the Iraqi's our position? A mistake that lead the enemy to our doorstep. What about the young children here, who now have no fathers?" asked Sturgis.  
  
"Yeah, yeah. We hashed this out in the hearing. My point is this. If Ambrose's transgression was so bad, why did his commander and comrades protect him? They should be the ones angriest with Ambrose. Yet until your cross, they were reluctant to even admit he had made a mistake. Perhaps all you have done is create the illusion of an error. And then convinced everyone of it, including his team." Mac spoke heatedly.  
  
"Perhaps," said Sturgis blocking her from opening the door to her car fully. "Maybe they just couldn't say it, out of loyalty. You should know that. I mean of all people, you should understand the emotions that lead to a team protecting the transgressor."  
  
"What do you mean by that?" she replied angrily.  
  
"Isn't it your modus operandi?"  
  
She looked at him. "Are you implying that I protect people who don't deserve it? Where did you get that idea? I've always sought the truth. No matter what the cost."  
  
"Really? Then what happened in Paraguay? I mean, Clayton Webb somehow deserves your undying gratitude for putting you into danger and Harm deserves your contempt for rescuing you from it?" said Sturgis with force.  
  
Mac's eyes flared. Paraguay! How had this conversation turned to that topic? She lashed out angrily, "What has Harm said about Paraguay? That Webb screwed up once again? Well, I'll tell you something that arrogant jerk would never say. That Clayton Webb spent hours strapped to a table screaming and tortured while electric current flowed through his body. I heard every agonizing minute of it. And I also heard Clay refuse to let them come near me, until finally, he was so beaten and weak that he could barely raise his head."  
  
Her final sentence ended in a strangulated sob. All of a sudden she realized that this legal discussion on ROE's had taken her to the verge of tears. She looked at Sturgis. All the anger had gone from his face and his eyes were wide with horror.  
  
Sturgis stepped back from the car. "Mac, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I should have never brought up Paraguay."  
  
She nodded mutely, trying to collect herself.  
  
"For what is it worth, Harm has never said a word about what happened down there. He would never violate classified material or your confidence. Those were guesses only, based on what I saw of Harm's reaction after he was kicked out of the office."  
  
She took advantage of his giving leeway and climbed in through the open door of her Corvette. She was anxious for this conversation to end, so she could go home and steady her thoughts. "It's okay, Sturgis. It has been a rough couple of months."  
  
Sturgis looked down at her, hand on the open door. "You want to talk about it? This whole thing has me confused, especially in light of your confession about Harm a year or so ago. I'd like to help, Mac."  
  
She looked at him. Don't bring up that old admission she had made she pleaded silently. That would only further to tangle her crisscrossing thoughts.   
  
But...there was one thing she hadn't dared to ask Sturgis before. "You said you have seen Harm, since he left JAG?"  
  
He answered cautiously. "Once. Months ago. Right after. In his apartment."  
  
She stared forward, looking at the bricks on the building. "How was he?"  
  
Sturgis pondered his answer. "You know Harm. He was playing his guitar and he was making jokes. But underneath it, he seemed pretty cut up about Paraguay and leaving JAG."  
  
"Have you heard from him since?" She asked quietly.  
  
"No."  
  
She let out a breath. "Right then," she said. "Guess there is not much more to say. I should go."  
  
Sturgis started to shut the car door. "Mac, Ham will be back. In some form or fashion. I'm pretty sure. He is not the type to hold a grudge."  
  
She nodded and smiled weakly at Sturgis and started the engine. The conversation was over. She threw the car into reverse and waved at Sturgis still standing next to her parking stall.   
  
As she pulled away from the lot, she thought about Sturgis' last comment. The one about Harm not holding grudges. That had always been true in the past. This time? She wasn't so sure. No one had pushed him this hard before. 


	6. Afraid VI

Title: Afraid VI  
  
Author: Nan  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Classification: vignette, AJ  
  
Spoilers: Touchdown  
  
Summary: At the end of Touchdown, the scene changed to the JAG bullpen and we saw the entire office watching the ZNN news clip of the landing of the oversized C-130 on the aircraft carrier SeaHawk. The final image of Harm holding the young Libyan girl and smiling made a wonderful picture. So what did everyone at JAG think of that? This had been the first time they had seen their former colleague in four months.  
  
In my twisted world, this is what Admiral Chegwidden was thinking as he watched his former subordinate from the bullpen floor...   
  
Somehow, Admiral AJ Chegwidden wasn't surprised when Petty Officer Jennifer Coates opened his office door unannounced and told him there was something on ZNN he would want to see. Choosing to take the eight steps into the bullpen rather than fumble with the remote for the screens within his office, he got up from behind his desk and followed her out. He had already guessed what he was about to see. No, scratch that. He didn't know what it was about but he did know whom it was about. Rabb.  
  
Just half an hour earlier, BUPERS had called. They were inquiring about Commander Harmon Rabb's personnel file. Was their file copy of his medical history up-to-date? Were there any last minute additions to health history before his termination? When AJ asked why they were checking, they had been evasive. There had been a request for the file but they were not at liberty to discuss the details.   
  
AJ persisted. Was the former commander ill? No but there might be a need for the file. The answer was vague and he was left with an unsettled feeling as he set down the phone. He contemplated phoning the CNO's office. He snorted to himself. Not a good idea. There had been widespread controversy over Rabb's resignation at upper levels and he wanted avoid opening the issue again. Besides, this might look like AJ was second-guessing his decision. Webb? Considering how forthcoming the CIA had been regarding Rabb over the last couple of months, he knew he would only hit a brick wall. 'You fired him, remember?' thought AJ.   
  
As he stepped into the outer office, he could see every eye on the bullpen floor trained to last screen of the bank of monitors across the far wall of the office. The words "late breaking news" was crawling across the screen. AJ squinted his eyes to try and decipher the dark, grey images on the screen. Someone must have flicked the master control switch. All of the monitors in the room flickered over to the ZNN news feed. AJ's eyes went to the closest screen.   
  
It was a carrier deck at night. Someone again flicked another switch and the volume increased. AJ heard a reporter talking about the SeaHawk stationed near the Gulf of Sidra. There was a fuzzy picture of an out of scale aircraft approaching the end of carrier's flattop. AJ squinted. 'That's a C130,' he thought, his mind searching for the significance of it.   
  
He heard a reporter say, "...large wingspan and no tail hook means the pilots will have to land the plane with reverse engine power and precision flying. This type of maneuver had been tried in 1960's but then abandoned as the aircraft was deemed to be too big for carrier work..."  
  
The usual carrier flight contingent of sleek fighters, CODs, tankers and surveillance planes made the SeaHawk look like a massive ship. This approaching aircraft put the large carrier into perspective. The available real estate needed for landing was pitifully small.   
  
The TV cameras caught the last minute of approach. AJ breathed slowly as he watched the lumbering plane slowly approach the deck. He could see a trail of fuel dump from its tail. He felt his heart race. Any chance at a second attempt at landing was now gone. They're afraid of fire.  
  
He could hear the news reporter. "All we've been told is that the unmarked aircraft experienced engine trouble in the Gulf of Sidra off of Libya. The pilot, Harm Rabb Jr. is a former Navy commander trained on F-14s fighters. Unable to make the distance to a friendly airfield, he chose instead to attempt this landing on the SeaHawk. For the last twenty minutes, activity aboard the carrier stepped into high gear as it prepared for the crippled plane. All fighters and aircraft have either been launched or stowed to a safe distance. Unessential personnel have left the deck area."  
  
'Experienced engine trouble, my ass,' thought AJ. 'What the hell kind of trouble did Harm get into this time? In Libya, no less.' He tried to remember if he saw anything in the intelligence reports from Libya that might reveal what the CIA was up to.  
  
The plane touched down at the bow end of the carrier and AJ could see the engines strain against the sudden reverse thrust. Sparks lit up the night scene as it moved jerkily along the deck. The stern was fast approaching as the craft lumbered forward. AJ held his breath as he watched the distance to the end close.  
  
They rolled to a gentle stop. It was close. He could see the nose of the plane hanging over the end. Below was the churning wake of the big ship. A few more feet and they would have ended up in the engine's large screws.   
  
He could see the multi-colored flight personnel swarm to secure the craft. Firefighters waited, equipment ready for any sign of an engine fire. AJ shook his head in wonder and for a brief moment, felt pride at the accomplishment of his former officer. 'Rabb, you son of bitch,' he thought.  
  
The admiral stole a glance around the brightly lit bullpen. Every eye was glued to the unfolding drama on the screens. They all watched together as the side door to the plane was opened and a motley assortment of passengers disembarked. They looked like Libyans, which confirmed what AJ had suspected. This had been some sort of CIA rescue mission.   
  
At the end of the pack, he could see a tall man in a blue aviator jumpsuit, step through the door and scoop up a small girl trailing the pack. There were sweat stains on his flight suit to indicate the strain. But other than that, Harm looked good. There was a spring to his step and the camera caught him as he gave a large grin to Captain Johnson waiting on the flight deck.  
  
In that instance, the entire bullpen smiled back at the grainy image of Harm as he walked off six thousand miles and two oceans away. There was more than just a sense of relief for a job well done. For the first time in six months, they felt good about their association with the former commander.   
  
It had all started with the murder trial of Loren Singer, his resignation from JAG to follow Mac to Paraguay and the subsequent confirmation of his severance from the service that followed. For all of the mixed bag of drama that had swirled around JAG for the last six months or more, everyone knew it was something special to see Harm smile.  
  
And what a smile it was. It made AJ wonder how long it had been since he had seen the commander so relaxed and confident. Shamefaced, he realized it had been awhile.  
  
He turned to leave the bullpen sweeping his eyes around the room. Immediately, the younger enlisted averted their eyes and turned to go back to their desks. 'They feel guilty,' thought AJ, 'they think I'll be mad that they actually enjoyed that.'  
  
Now it was AJ's turn to feel guilty. What did he expect? He deserved that. He had done nothing but complain about Rabb for the last four months. Why was he still mad at the former commander, anyway?  
  
'I don't know,' he thought. Then he groaned to himself as he entered his office and shut the door. That wasn't true. He did know why he was mad. Since Singer's trial, Harm had acted atypically. Somehow, sitting in the brig for two weeks had done it. Not for the first time, he cursed Lindsey and NCIS.  
  
Although in retrospect, AJ should have suspected that Harm might quit when Mac went missing in Paraguay, he was still surprised. But there was one subsequent incident that surprised him more.  
  
When Harm had returned and asked to be reinstated, AJ had refused. Although Harm had rescued Mac and Webb and destroyed the missiles, AJ had been angry that he had tossed away his commission with so little thought. It had showed disrespect to both the Navy and his command to have such a disregard for an order.  
  
But what had surprised AJ more was the fact that Harm had left JAG and the Navy without a fight. Hell, the man had two DFCs, a Silver Star and more connections across Washington than most two star admirals. And his accomplishments in Paraguay had been substantial.  
  
Rabb was fighter. Why had he given up so easily in the fight? Why had he gone so completely overboard?  
  
And now, in an even more astonishing turn of events, from what he saw today, it looked like Rabb had found a measure of satisfaction in a most unlikely place, the CIA. Harm, who more than anyone he knew, demanded a moral center to his workplace, actually liked the spooks.  
  
AJ walked over to the window behind his desk and stared out. There was no doubt that over the years he had been harder on Rabb than anyone. 'I put a lot of pressure on the man,' he thought guiltily. 'Some of it unfairly.'  
  
Hell, he put a bit of pressure on Sturgis to watch his performance and this last week was the first time in months that he saw chink in the commander's armor of resentment. He can really hold a grudge. Just ask Roberts.  
  
Flare-ups with Rabb were different. They came quickly but also dispersed quickly. The commander rarely held a grudge. Until now.  
  
He was still staring out the window, when he heard a gentle tap on the oak door. "Enter," he said, not moving from his position.  
  
It was Coates. "Admiral? We all thought that we would send a congratulatory message out to the former commander on the SeaHawk. I was wondering if you would like to have your name on it too?"   
  
He turned to look at her. PO Coates was nervous. She had a lot of courage to beard the lion in his den, so to speak. As far as the office knew, the admiral considered Harmon Rabb disloyal and a bad influence.   
  
He continued to stare at her. "Sir?" she said timidly.  
  
He snorted and spoke. "Sure, Coates. I'd be proud to sign a letter of congratulations. That was an incredible accomplishment of the commander's."  
  
She stared at him, unsure of the meaning of his response. "Is there anything else, Coates?" he asked.  
  
"No sir."  
  
"Then close the hatch behind you when you leave." 


End file.
